Resilience is often defined as our ability to cope with and how quickly we recover from the changes and challenges that life brings.
I liken it to that light at the end of a tunnel when things feel tough, as resilience is an inside job, and that light is our personal power. Reminding us that regardless of whatever adversities we may facing, we have the power to choose our response in any situation and be the author of our life.
This is something that Viktor Frankl wrote about in his book, Man's Search for Meaning. Whereby he reached the conclusion that everything can be taken from us, but one thing "the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way".
Resilience is an inner strength that we develop when we reconnect with who we really are, which comes from understanding ourself, meeting our needs and learning to have faith in ourself as we face life's challenges.
When we lack resilience we view the changes and challenges of life as sources of stress, rather than opportunities for growth and transformation.
Harnessing the power of structural tension through self care
You may or may not be familiar with the concept of structural tension, which was created by Robert Fritz in his book The Path of Least Resistance. Whereby "structural tension describes the relationship between a desired state and the current reality, and the dynamic force that results from the difference between the two".
In the diagram below I provide an overview to show the model, and what happens when we have structural tension, resulting from us not being happy in our current reality. Which is when we face changes and challenges in life, whether they are planned or unplanned.
Let's take this model and apply it these two different approaches on two woman struggling with signs of burnout, as well as debilitating menopausal symptoms due to the impact of stress on their hormones.
First meet Ann, who takes the reactive approach in this model. Ann lacks self awareness so takes a reactive approach to her current reality, which is just doing as she always has, often blaming others and situations for the difficulties she faces. Her thoughts are focused on how much she is struggling to function as she juggles all her roles and responsibilities.
Ann's really struggling with the emotional tension of not feeling like herself anymore and is frustrated that she can't do things the way she used to do. She feels stuck a job in an organisation that has a toxic culture, she wants to leave but is fearful of whether another company would be any better, So instead, she develops coping mechanisms to get through each day at work as she needs the money, maybe a few glasses of wine each evening, trying some supplements and making small lifestyle changes. But Ann's in survival mode due to the stress and increasingly struggles with mood swings and anxiety. The stress hormones are wrecking havoc on her already fluctuating hormones during perimenopause, leaving her feeling like her life is out of control. Self care is basic physical hygiene so she's not meeting her real needs and nothing she does seems to work.
The chronic stress of living this way over a sustained period of time leads Ann to experience increasing signs of burnout, affecting other areas of her life such as her relationships. Until eventually she develops an apathy to her life, questioning the meaning of it all. Ann feels she lacks resilience as she believes she has no power to effect any real change in her life.
Now meet Gail, who is in a similar position to Ann, but takes the alternative response approach with this model.
Gail reaches out to a coach as she recognises that despite doing what she can to try to improve her situation, she needs help. As when we're stuck in reacting to our life, it can be hard to see any other possibilities for ourselves. Which is why it helps to talk to a trusted friend about life issues, to get new perspectives on how to move forward.
The first part of the coaching process is to understand how her mind works, so Gail can better understand the mental conflict she's experiencing. Discovering how she can work with her mind when in a state of survival. She then implements this knowledge in real life situations to develop her self awareness of where she is reacting instead of choosing a response to challenging situations.
Gail then starts to understand how her nervous system works and begins to take small self care steps to help calm her nervous system. She begins to notice how just being seen and heard by her coach, and understanding herself better is already starting to help her feel better and more resilient.
Gail continues to develop her self awareness as she moves from reacting to responding to situations in her life, liaising with her coach in between sessions for support as she practices this new way of being. Gradually implementing boundaries to protect her needs throughout her day. Deepening her self awareness by understanding her values, which help her to make the decision to find a suitable role in a company that will aligns with her values and needs.
Gail's focus is on creating more of what she does want in her life, and her increased self awareness helps her gain clarity about the direction she wants to go. She also regains her sense of self and a sense of control over her life again. The action steps she takes and noticing the improvements in her menopausal symptoms, energy and outlook, all boost her motivation to continue with this path. As she takes the learnings from this process and how she is responding to life situations to create a more fulfilling lifestyle, one that meets her needs and improves her wellbeing.
The level of resilience Gail feels is tangible as she feels lighter and more able to deal with life's challenges. Her perspective on herself and life is changing as she breaks patterns of behaviour that had previously kept her stuck in situations that were not meeting her needs. Enabling her to use this situation for personal growth which ends up with her finding a new role in a company which aligns with her values and her menopause is more manageable.
A great analogy to demonstrate how self care will help you will reach your target of thriving when you take the response approach, is to imagine you are preparing to shoot an arrow:
First you need to pull the arrow back inwards, to create the (structural) tension that will propel it forward. This is the introspection needed as you focus on who you truly are, what's important to you and what your needs are in order to develop a plan for your self care. This can be with a coach, a therapist/counsellor, with a trusted friend/partner or through self help study.
Next you need to take aim at the desired target - the target comes into sight as a result of the clarity that comes from introspection. Whereby you now understand what your values and needs are and what you life looks like aligned with these. The target is your intended outcomes (vision) from your self care plan.
Then you can let go of the arrow - this is the action you take, at a pace that suits you, to close the gap between where you are now, towards your intended outcome. As you create a new reality for yourself with a self care practice that aligns with your values and needs for who you truly are.
Structural tension and authenticity
For me the structural tension model is a visual representation of how our mind, body and soul signals to us, through our emotions that we are becoming disconnected from who we truly are - our whole authentic self. We can either heed these emotional cues and take this as an opportunity to begin a period of personal growth and come back home to ourselves. Or we can suppress our emotions to continue thinking and doing the same things that keep us stuck in situations that are deeply unfulfilling. Which is how Einstein defined insanity - doing the same thing over and over again but expecting different results.
“Authenticity is the daily practice of letting go of who we think we’re supposed to be and embracing who we are” Brené Brown
I love this quote, as for me living authentically is a daily practice to keep showing up for yourself, despite external pressures in society. To keep developing your self awareness as you let go of who we had to be in the past to be accepted. This daily practice is your self care practice - as you prioritise time to pause, reflect and realign your life to fully express who you are in this one precious life.
Whilst the structural tension model was originally created for use by leaders, to help them work with their teams on goal planning. Whereby they would set a goal and then create an action plan to bridge the gap between the current business reality and the business goal.
The model is also used in coaching, as a coach will work with their clients to help them understand their role in their current reality, then use this self awareness to take actions, as they bridge the gap from where they are to where they want to be.
Consider your self care practice as your action plan for harnessing the power of self awareness to let go of no longer serves you, as you create a more authentically fulfilling life. To find new ways of being true to yourself and find the path of least resistance as you meet your needs and strengthen your inner resilience.
Perimenopause is the structural tension between pre and post menopause
Perimenopause is a developmental life stage in a woman's life, as her brain and body adjust to the lower levels of sex hormones. There is a structural tension that arises with this period of adjustment, as women are in a liminal space whereby they don't feel like they used to, but they're not quite there (menopause) yet, as there's no definitive timescale.
Added to the fact they mostly likely haven't prepared for the menopausal transition, so there's little/no self care, so they are likely to find themselves in situations in their life where they have neglected their needs for too long. Leading to a state of burnout from a build up of chronic stress, which puts them in a state of survival as they begin the perimenopause. This state of survival is made worse if they already feel they have no control over their life, and have unhelpful beliefs about what ageing means to them, so are unsure what post menopause life will look like for them.
The internal changes that take place during the menopausal transition, added to symptoms of burnout really creates an emotional tension that can be too much. Which is where menopause coaching can assist women to turn this emotional tension into creative tension, before the rope snaps!
However, there are different types of menopause coaches, some that specialise in nutrition, holistic therapy, etc. So it's important to find a Menopause Coach that can help you with the call to personal growth.
For example, as an NLP qualified coach I understand how the mind works, added to my experience of experiencing the double whammy of perimenopause and burnout, and recovering from burnout. My knowledge, strengths and skills are ideally suited to help women turn the structural tension into creative tension. By objectively evaluating their current reality to develop their self awareness, leading to new perspectives and possibilities for themselves. By having someone in their corner, providing them with a safe space to share without fear of judgment, to feel heard as they articulate what they're experiencing and talk through the action steps needed to move forward.
This is the benefit of working with a Menopause Coach like myself, who has navigated a similar path, as there is a shared understanding from similar experiences. Plus, a key principle of any coaching is for the client to develop their self empowerment, so by the end of the coaching they will have the self awareness, skills and habits to maintain their momentum.
Here are some testimonials from previous clients:
Joy
"I came to some really valuable insights about who I am and got more centred in myself, with a greater appreciation for who I am and my needs. Plus, having Clare's coaching support in between sessions via WhatsApp was invaluable, because I gained insights in the moment. Whereas, if I had to wait until the next session, then the moment and learning opportunity would have passed."
Deb
“Clare helped me to recognise and refocus on my personal values. In turn this has resulted in me taking the next step on my career path. Clare provided a welcoming and safe space to explore a variety of topics across all areas of my life as well as providing me with useful tools and techniques to prevent burnout and quell anxiety. Her skill lies in recognising symptoms of burnout and menopause and applying her knowledge and experience to help others. I strongly recommend the work that she does - it has been a hugely positive experience for me.”
Alex
"I can confidently say that I wouldn't be where I am without Clare - the skills and techniques she taught me have allowed me to flourish this year. I feel calmer, happier and hugely motivated - something I just couldn't envisage when I started the process. I expected results, but never thought it would be quite so life changing!"
To find out more about menopause coaching, book an exploratory call by sending me a message here on this website, or email me at claree@metanoialifestyle.co.uk
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