In my nearly 50 years as a woman throughout various roles and experiences, I've found that the main cause of poor mental health and wellbeing for women is due to not prioritising our needs.
From a young age there's a pressure to conform to societal expectations and other peoples opinions of how we should be as a female, such as selfless, caring, a homemaker and beautiful to name but a few! That's on top of our families expectations of who we should be, what we should do and our role to meet their needs.
It's from our early childhood experiences, when we were exposed to these judgements and expectations, that we developed unconscious beliefs about ourselves, others and the world around us, as our developing brain was unable to rationally process what was happening. This formed our self concept - how we see ourselves and feel about ourselves. From this we developed behaviours that compensated for any perceived flaws based on our experiences, to ensure we could fit in, be loved, accepted and feel safe in different social settings.
But in creating these beliefs and compensating behaviours we began a process of masking our true self by denying our needs, such as;
not standing out from the crowd with our unique talents, as when we did in the past we were ridiculed;
not speaking up to share our opinion or question something, as we were told we were being bossy or stupid;
always saying 'yes' when at times we want to say 'no' as we fear conflict or rejection due to our experience of being around emotionally unregulated adults, etc.
We learnt to forgo our needs for fear of judgement and rejection from others so chose social connection over authenticity, because as a child this would ensure our survival.
These types of beliefs are called 'limiting beliefs' as we think these represent who we are, but they limit our potential as we don't feel worthy, enough or able to live our life fully.
The thoughts that accompany limiting beliefs can sound like: "I'm useless, I'm stupid, I'm not confident, nothing ever works out for me, no one ever listens to me, I'm no good with money, I'm not confident, I hate how I look, who am I to be successful, etc."
When we habitually think about ourselves in this way we become disempowered, which prevents us from achieving our potential, and we find ourselves in repeating situations that confirm these limiting beliefs such as; relationships where people take advantage of us, partners who betray us and leave us, bosses who belittle us, jobs that are unfulfilling, only ever earning just enough money to get by, etc.
The mental and external conflict we experience due to living a life that doesn't meet our needs, as we believe the stories about who we are based on limiting beliefs, results in us experiencing sustained levels of stress, which leads to overwhelm and burnt out. Plus due to the constant release of stress hormones, we can experience a range of physiological symptoms in our bodies, such as; disruption of our female hormones, headaches, heart palpitations, stomach and digestive issues, inflammation, a weakened immune system and much more.
After living, or surviving, this way for years and trying to change habits and situations to no avail, we end up languishing by thinking this is just the way we are, but deep inside there's a part of us that yearns for more. Or, our health needs become our priority, signalling we've strayed too far away from who we really are, and that it's time to reconnect to ourselves.
What is personal power?
The word power can have negative connotations for many people, as it's often associated with a strength or force exerted by something or someone usually over others, not always in a good way! If you look up the definition of personal power, you'll see some sources stating it's about power given to you by others, which is really positional power, and some references to it being the impression others have you as a person, which is misleading.
The personal power I'm referring to has nothing to do with controlling or influencing others, or anything given to you by others, or the impression others may have of you. Instead it's an inner strength you develop, as you reconnect with who you really are, learn to have faith in yourself and your ability to face life's challenges, and create a more fulfilling lifestyle. Where you meet your needs to express who you are fully and unapologetically, sharing your unique talents and passions, and in doing so you have a clear sense of self and life has meaning and purpose.
That's the feeling deep inside that still yearns for more, it's your flame of personal power that's just dimmed, but it's still burning and waiting to be reignited again.
"There is a light within each of us that can never be diminished or extinguished. It can only be obscured by forgetting who we are" Deepak Chopra
How do you reconnect to your personal power?
In a nutshell self awareness, which over time will enable you to transition from feeling disempowered to being empowered.
Firstly, by developing your awareness to notice the links between your internal thoughts, feelings and behaviours and the external aspects of your life.
How you think, feel and act are a reflection of your self concept
Your thoughts, feelings and behaviours are largely automatic and unconscious reactions, so learning to take the time to reflect on what happened after a conflicting situation, will help you to understand what you made the situation to mean about yourself. Through self inquiry you will come to learn that your perspective was based on a limiting belief from the past, rather than the actual reality.
Then as your perspective begins to change, you start to see how you can choose a new response should similar situations occur going forward, which will reduce conflict and create more desired results. As you practice responding to situations in new ways, you will develop new and more aligned automatic and unconscious reactions. So instead of feeling like a victim of circumstance (due to limiting beliefs), you start taking more self responsibility and realise that life happens for you, rather than to you.
Secondly, you need to develop your awareness of who you really are, beyond the limiting beliefs and compensating behaviours you created to fit in, be accepted and stay safe in the past.
Through self inquiry you need to develop an understanding of what your needs actually are: for health, love, safety, expressing your talents, abilities and passions to enable you to have a sense of purpose and wellbeing.
Thirdly, you need to become more consciously aware of the focus of your attention throughout your day, so you can learn how to stay in alignment with who you really are, rather than focus on evidence in support of the limiting beliefs.
At first this can be challenging, as you'll notice your attention is will automatically focus on your perceived current problems in life, worrying about what others think of you, negative self talk and what might happen in the future.
Your focus creates your reality
In order to create the results you want in life, based on who you really are, you need to intentionally shift your focus of attention, and we do this by creating a vision. Where you see your future self living a fulfilled life by meeting your needs, and imagine it as if it's happening in the present, like watching a movie of you living your ideal life.
If you may think this seems far fetched, but just remember you've used your imagination all these years to imagine all the worst possible things about yourself, others and the world around you. So why not use your imagination to imagine all the best possible things about yourself, others and the world around you with your vision! It just feels far fetched as it feels too far removed from your current self concept, and to start with it helps to create a vision for one aspect of your life you want to prioritise, such as; if you don't feel good about how you look, maybe you want to lose excess weight as you're struggling with day to day activities.
Imagine how you would like to look at your ideal healthy weight, imagine what it would feel like, what would you be doing to support this healthy weight, see and feel into the person you would be, what would you be eating and drinking? What would you be wearing, what fun activities would you do that you can't do at the moment? Make it as sensory as possible and feel how good you would feel, and feel the gratitude for yourself for caring for your body in the way it needs to achieve and maintain healthy weight, so that you can live your life more comfortably.
Your vision is important because the sub conscious part of your mind filters, deletes and distorts all the information through your five senses throughout the day, through the lens of your past which includes those limiting beliefs. This is how it quickly determines the meaning of situations to help you navigate safely and efficiently through each day. Which is helpful for repetitive activities such as driving a car and performing tasks in your job. But it's not so helpful when you doubt yourself, procrastinate and resist new habits that will enable you to improve your quality of life, due to the limiting beliefs.
Your vision for the authentic lifestyle you want to create for yourself will support you to embed new behaviours, so you become more congruent with who you really are.
Your vision becomes the new point of orientation to provide your sub conscious with the certainty it's seeking, each time you visualise it and feel into the positive emotions of seeing yourself living life as if it's already happened.
Regular daily mental rehearsal of your vision is how you create the shift, along with intentional aligned actions, as the sub conscious cannot tell the difference between what's real and what's imagined, so with continued focus on your vision, and evidence from your actions, it will start to look for more evidence of your vision in your current reality. Which is when you begin to notice opportunities that you never saw before to support your progress towards your vision.
This practice is a key part of your transition as you are continually adjusting your focus to realign yourself towards your vision, and the actions you take in your daily life are those you see yourself doing in your vision.
Many different professionals such as athletes and and musicians use mental rehearsal to develop their performance potential, they visualise themselves carrying out the desired actions as they want them to be in reality, like a pianist visualising their fingers on the piano keys as they practice a new piece of music for a concert or the golfer practising their swing to hit great shots for an upcoming championship.
Over time you will notice less resistance as your self concept begins to change, and with this you develop faith in yourself and your power to create the life you want.
This is when your inner flame starts to burn brighter, and every time you meet your needs the brighter it glows. As you reconnect to your personal power you will notice your energy levels increase, which is your personal power rising up from within which fuels your commitment to yourself to keep moving forwards.
Igniting your intuition
When we feel disempowered we feel unable to trust ourselves, as our intuition is drowned out by the mental chatter from limiting beliefs.
This is referred to as 'cognitive dissonance' which is where we experience mental conflict due to our behaviours being inconsistent with our highest good. For example; we want to stop drinking alcohol as it makes us ill, but we end up drinking wine at a meal out with friends, then mentally beat ourselves up the next morning when we're nursing a hangover.
However, as we begin to develop our self awareness the mental chatter calms down, as we start to reconnect with the heart of who we are in the here and now, with a focus on our vision and what we're creating. Our behaviours become more congruent with who we really are and thoughts of the past and worries of what might be in the future begin to reduce, as our self trust grows.
This is when we ignite our intuition, as we notice our imagination starts to give us ideas we feel compelled to act on, we begin to experience moments of creative flow when we express our talents, we start to notice synchronicities with signs, symbols and people we encounter who help us move towards our vision. It feels almost magical, as we find the answers we need often come from within, but all that's happening is we're in alignment with who we really are, so what's meant for our highest good is more obvious to us, and attracted to us. This is the law of attraction in action!
Busting the myths!
You don't need to be fixed
You just need to reconnect with who you already are underneath the limiting beliefs and compensating behaviours.
You don't need to know when or where your limiting beliefs came from
You just need to have an awareness of what they are and how they show up in your life, then you can make adjustments to meet your needs and create the results you want.
You don't need to change your beliefs
They can't be changed as they're part of your past experience, but you need to learn from them, see them for what they are and how they have limited you from living life to the fullest. The insights from your learning will change what they mean about you, others and the world, which shifts how you think, feel and act going forward.
Your personal power shines a light for others to follow
When you reconnect with your personal power you come from a place of strength, love, joy and gratitude, not a place of lack or flaws, where you need others approval or need to prove yourself. Instead, you become an inspiration to those around you and you will help others to meet their needs from a place of mutual respect, kindness, compassion and humility.
Ready to step into your personal power?
We get just one crack at life as far as we know, so I hope you're now feeling inspired to start prioritising your needs, as we all deserve to have wellbeing and a fulfilling life.
But if you're still feeling doubtful and need further inspiration, I'd like to share with you the top five regrets of the dying, were documented in a book by a Australian nurse called Bronnie Ware, who spent several years working in palliative care.
These were the most common regrets that patients would convey to her when she asked them if they had any regrets, or anything they would do differently if they had their time again. Just look at what the first most common regret was!
1. I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.
"This was the most common regret of all. When people realise that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people had not honoured even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made. Health brings a freedom very few realise, until they no longer have it."
2. I wish I hadn't worked so hard.
"This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed their children's youth and their partner's companionship. Women also spoke of this regret, but as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence."
3. I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings.
"Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result."
4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.
"Often they would not truly realise the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Everyone misses their friends when they are dying."
5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.
"This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realise until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called 'comfort' of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content, when deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again."
Do any of these resonate for you, if so which is your greatest regret so far and what will you do differently with the time you have left?
If you would like to get started on creating your vision, I have a guided visualisation to help you so just email me at clare@metanoialifestyle.co.uk and I'll send it over to you!
Hi I'm Clare and I'm a Mental Health & Wellbeing Coach for women, I hope you found this blog inspirational to take action and make the most of your life.
I support women to start prioritising their needs so they can return to wellbeing, so if you want to reconnect to your personal power, just contact me to discuss one to one coaching, or book onto my next Create an Authentic Lifestyle course.