I'll never forget, getting a call early in the morning of Sunday 26th January 2025 from my Mum, telling me that my Dad had fallen down the stairs at home. Then getting there to find my Dad lying unconscious on the floor and barely breathing, performing CPR under instruction from the ambulance operator, whilst an ambulance crew were on their way. To then speaking to the doctors as they showed us the devastating brain scan images, showing a catastrophic bleed in his brain and brain stem due to him hitting his head during his fall. Leaving my Mum and I to make a decision that no one ever wants to face, to turn off life support for a loved one, to let him go. Because it was abundantly clear from the number of doctors we spoke to, that this was not something he was ever going to recover from, and we knew he would not have wanted to be kept alive on life support.
The suddenness of what happened over a few hours that day left me reeling in shock, I felt like I was in a daze, almost zombie like for a good week afterwards. It didn't seem real and nothing seemed to matter anymore, food lost its taste, life lost its joy, as it gradually dawned on me that I would never see my Dad again. A man who had such a strength of character that I guess I just saw as invincible and never imagined ever having to live without.
When you see how fragile and delicate life can be, all else fades into the background - Jenna Morasca
Thankfully with the wonderful support from my husband and two sons and others around me, I have had a soft place to fall, to feel fully supported, to safely express my thoughts and a full range of emotions, as I have gradually come to terms with this loss. Enabling me to be there for my Mum, as she grieves the loss of her husband, a constant presence in her life for over 60 years.
When self care feels impossible
Self care when grieving can feel impossible, as you feel consumed with raw emotions, leaving you feeling depleted and in a state of survival. It's as if the colour has been sucked out of your world and everything is grey, and it feels like a big heavy cloud is weighing down on you.
As you struggle to find the strength to get through heightened emotions each day, which hit you like waves.
You know you need to eat, but don't feel hungry as everything is tasteless. You know you need to rest and sleep, but your mind is constantly racing as you try to process what's happened. You remind yourself that you need to keep going, as that's what your loved one would want, but all you want to do is curl up quietly alone, as everything feels too much.
Because ultimately all you want to do is be with your loved one, so you look through pictures to recall happier times, as this is how you can still feel their presence and feel connected to them, by recalling all you loved about them.
What I've come to realise though, is that by allowing myself this time to grieve, this is a form of self-care, because it's involved me acknowledging all the emotions arising, giving space for each of them and moving through them rather than suppressing them. Plus, I've sought support from my family when needed, have been patient with myself and met my basic needs, all of which has been essential to help me heal from this loss.
Grief is the unspent love that has no place to go, because the love you felt for someone who has passed is still present, it's just you can't express it to them anymore, so now you must turn that love inwards towards yourself by grieving.
Unique challenges of grieving midlife
For many years I've been part of the "Sandwich Generation" whereby I've been caring for ageing parents and other close relatives, alongside being a parent. Which both bring different types of grief from watching ageing relatives health decline and roles reverse, alongside watching your children's childhood come to an end, as they become independent of you and leave the family home.
I can't help but feel how poorly prepared we are for these big life events, as we get so caught up in the busyness of life, juggling all our roles and responsibilities. That we underestimate the impact of losing loved ones and children leaving the family home, so as these chapters in our life come to a close we are left questioning the meaning of life, and our purpose in life as our priorities suddenly change.
If you add into this mix of grief, the symptoms of burnout and perimenopause, this makes for a very potent cocktail of emotional, mental and physical challenges.
It can all get too much, and back in 2018 this was the situation I found myself in, when I was caring for my Uncle who passed away, whilst at the height of my career, in the midst of perimenopause, supporting my Mum as her health declined, and being a parent to two teenage sons.
The grief from the loss of my Uncle was the final straw as I crashed into burnout, which forced me to press pause, get present with myself, recover from burnout and establish a self care practice. Which led me to get more intentional with my life as I made more authentically aligned decisions to focus on what was important to me. So despite this period of grief I am handling this loss very differently and although it's been very challenging, I'm not trying to carry on regardless. As I developed the self awareness to know myself and my needs, and how to prioritise and protect them, so this time I'm taking things at my pace and I can clearly articulate my needs to those around me for support.
Because this midlife mix of roles, emotions and life stages can be one hell of a messy chapter, but when we understand what self care truly means, this is how we tap into our personal power to navigate our way through these changes and challenges.
Self care helps us create a plan for the emotional, mental and physical challenges that will always arise, as change is inevitable in life, but especially to support us when grieving. Because when we grieve the loss of loved ones and different life transitions, we are grieving the loss of who we needed to be in these relationships and roles. It's a call to growth, where we need to reassess who we are now, not who we needed to be as a carer or a parent, and sometimes this means letting go of old ways of being, so we can make the next chapter in our life just as purposeful and meaningful.
Because amongst the grief and challenges we face in life, there is a little voice inside us that tells us that there is more to life than this struggle. That we are meant for more and that through our healing we can go on to live a fulfilling life again and maybe even make our next chapter even more amazing.
Because with grief, the menopause and burnout comes an existential wake up call that gives you new perspectives on life. That when you're ready, it's time to start adding back in the colour to your world again, but this time you may paint it with new colours as you find new meaning and purpose for yourself. As you accept the chapters closing and let go of anything that's not aligned with what's important to you going forward. As you appreciate more than ever that this one precious life is for living fully and anything that takes up your time and energy needs to be worth it.
Self care as a powerful act of love
In the 21st Century we need to be redefining what self care truly means, as it's beyond the commodification of self love that we have been sold.
Self care is an act of self preservation and through the lens of grief amongst the other midlife challenges we face it's how:
we lean into the growth that can come from these difficult moments in our human life, as I firmly believe that there are always lessons from everything we go through in life. For this is how we develop our own unique wisdom as we age, and how we can use this wisdom to best serve others and support the next generation, to keep evolving as individuals and for the betterment of the human race.
we realise it's not about "doing more" but about "being more" present with ourselves, to truly allow ourselves to be with our emotions and understand our needs. By noticing what our emotions are signalling to us and learning how to move through them, rather than suppress and ignore them. Realising that this is the path towards healing and wellbeing as we navigate inevitable change and challenges in life.
we teach ourselves to learn how to let go of old beliefs, behaviours, habits and people. Which enables us to be more present with who we truly are, with those we love and what is most important to us, so we can live an authentically fulfilling life.
we learn what kindness truly means, as it starts from being kind to ourselves through the small daily acts of meeting our needs. As we let go of self judgement about how we think we should be grieving, managing our menopause experience or dealing with stress, and we lean into giving ourselves the space to process what's happening in our life in our own time. Gradually helping to heal our heart and put our life back together again.
How to honour your loss whilst caring for yourself
Sometimes examples help others to see how they can move forward, so I will share how I have honoured my needs with self care throughout the last few weeks. As I know that the sharing of our experiences can be validating for others and can also provide helpful guidance. However, it's important to find an approach that feels right for you, as whilst grief is universal, we will each perceive and process grief uniquely.
Emotional self care
Talk to someone who you feel you can trust to listen without judgement to what's on your mind. As this will help you to process the thoughts and emotions arising, about the events surrounding the loss of your loved one. It's something I have felt able to do with my husband and am so grateful to him for being able to hold this space for me. As this isn't about seeking reassurance, trying to find solutions or ways to fix how I felt, it was just being there with me, as I shared what was on my mind. The value of having someone there, just to listen and maybe ask some questions to help me see different perspectives, has been hugely helpful as I heal.
Write your thoughts in a journal to help process your emotions, as this gets them out of your head and onto paper. Allowing you to be more of a compassionate observer as you hold space for yourself to move through emotions arising, just as you would for a loved one.
Allow yourself space to for for energetic release of emotions, cry if you need to and if you feel anger arising find some soft pillows to punch it out. Guilt can be another common emotion to experience when grieving, maybe thinking you could have done more, or seen someone more. In this situation, it helps to acknowledge all you did do for them by writing this out, then recalling how much this was appreciated. Reminding yourself you could only do your best given who you were as you also needed to live your life and meet your own needs. I also find it's helpful to remind yourself of what is actually within and outside your control, as there is much which is outside our control in life.
Physical self care
Prioritise rest - even though you may not be able to sleep well at night, you may find you can nap for small periods, so allow yourself time to do this in the day. Be patient with yourself as when we grieve, our nervous system is operating in survival mode, which will disrupt your rest. Intentionally plan regular small rest periods to allow your body to feel safe to return into rest mode.
Introduce gentle movement such as walking in nature, which will also help your body to start to move back into rest mode. I have a dog and going on daily walks has been very helpful in my healing, even though I have not felt like it at times! Once I'm out walking with Enzo I feel so much better and it does lift my energy, especially as I notice the first signs of Spring appearing' Although these signs of new beginnings do feel bittersweet, as inside I feel the sadness of an ending of a chapter of my life with my Dad.
Try to eat nourishing foods even if you have little appetite, I didn't really enjoy any food for the first week or so, which is very unlike me! But I did eat small amounts and did start to enjoy food again and gradually gave more thought to what I would really like to eat. I made some homemade soups and cakes recently as I've started to feel a bit better to nourish myself.
Mental self care
Be realistic with your expectations of yourself, if you have a job speak to your line manager about adjusting your workload, to accommodate increased self care for a few weeks and agree a date to review this. If you have your own business, let people know what's happened and what this will look like in terms of adjustments to services as you heal. If you have family roles and responsibilities, talk through what support you need as you grieve with your family. Importantly remind yourself - there is no need to "hold it all together" as you practice self compassion to accommodate your current needs to allow yourself time to grieve.
Get intentional and focused with what needs to be done just for each day, as I found thinking about anything longer during the initial days overwhelming. Then due to the additional responsibilities that come with registering your loved ones death, arranging the funeral service, dealing with their estate, as well as potentially caring for a parent left behind. It's important to also break these down into smaller manageable daily actions in order of priority, to avoid feelings of overwhelm creeping up on you.
Spiritual self care
Find ways to connect with yourself - as someone who has been used to meditating, I've struggled to pick this practice back up again since my Dad passed. However, I have found breathing exercises very helpful and I have sat an listened to music in quiet reflection and gone for walks. Just find what feels right for you, as this is about getting out of your head to ground yourself in your body, as this will help you to regulate your nervous system and feel more balanced. This grounding happens when you lose yourself in the moment, which could be when you're out walking in nature, or gardening, painting, listening or singing to music, yoga etc.
Find ways to connect with your loved one - as this will help you to process their passing as you move from a feeling of loss towards feelings of gratitude for your time with them. I have found looking through pictures helpful and sharing memories with other family members, as whilst you miss them it brings a smile to your face, and sometimes a few chuckles as you feel that warmth of love you had together. I've also found it comforting to have a blanket my Dad had on his bed which still smells of him. These are just some ideas, so do what feels right for you, knowing it's ok to have moments to miss them, amongst your daily life. This isn't about dwelling on your loss, but allowing yourself to process the loss as you recall times spent with them, to feel that love that still resides in you for them and also the love they had for you.
A gentle invitation
I firmly believe that when we share our journeys about how we navigate universal challenges such as grief and life transitions. We can help be a guide to someone else who maybe going through or preparing for similar experiences, which is why I wrote this blog.
When we lose people we love I feel the best way way we can honour them is to show ourselves the love they would want for us. So my invitation is for you to get intentional with your self care, to ensure you're meeting your needs regularly, not just during the challenging times in life. As a self care practice will help you to develop your inner resilience which is what you need to navigate the expected and unexpected changes of life, helping you to recover quicker to continue on and make the most of the rest of your life.
Whilst the early days of grief can feel all consuming and it's important to lean into the power of rest and retreat to meet your needs. In fact, I recently wrote a blog about "wintering" and when you grieve this is a perfect example of wintering, as you need time to go within, to withdraw, reflect and recuperate. Because when you contract purposefully this helps you to replenish yourself, and this is what gives you the strength to put your house in order to move forward again. Click on this link to read more about wintering with purpose and to find out more about self care practices during this process.
In the meantime, we need to have faith in ourselves to get through these tough challenges in life and I hope this blog goes some way to give you hope, that if you're also grieving brighter days are ahead when you show yourself some love. Funnily enough the more you show yourself love through self care, the more trust you build in yourself and your ability to handle anything!
Comments